I hurt. My son hurts. Our summer after school was LITERALLY entirely without Steven. He died the day after Cooper finished second grade. Our summer has been one of trying to find our 'new normal'.
Normal.
Does "normal" really even exist? What does it mean to be normal? I mean, someone would probably look at my house and think the clutter is anything but "normal". But for me, it's normal. Someone may think that stuff on counter tops is not normal. It's always been normal for me.
Now, would I like to get to a place where it'd be completely clean: everything has a place and everything is IN it's place? Oh, hell, yes. But I don't really know that I'm ever going to get there. I don't know where to start.
Right now I'm trying to figure out how to function without spending my time sitting in my recliner watching "The Librarians" or "Rizzoli and Isles" or "The Big Bang Theory" while looking at my iPad and perusing Facebook or playing Candy Crush and wasting money buying help.
How, in this journey, do I find myself again and be the mother my son DESERVES to have? How do I learn self-care? I have a feeling it's going to have to be through raw honesty that I will need to share with the world.
Thursday, August 1, 2019
Monday, July 29, 2019
Where Do I Even Begin?
Maybe the more appropriate question is How do I even begin? But "where" sure seems to fall right in there. So much of what I've been the last 19 years has been WITH Steven in so many ways. So WHERE do I go from here?
I have an 8 year old son I must protect. I must make sure he gets help and support. He is in counseling every 2 weeks. We have a tremendous support system, which we are extremely blessed with. Many people in our situation are not as blessed in that way.
But, the farm economy has not been great for quite some time, and with the failing economy came Steven's failing health. We are not alone in an industry that has left many in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. How do I deal with this debt? I cannot run a feedlot. I cannot plant and harvest crops. I CAN tell you I want to protect my home. I want to protect my land. I am just not sure how that will happen.
I am lost.
I have an 8 year old son I must protect. I must make sure he gets help and support. He is in counseling every 2 weeks. We have a tremendous support system, which we are extremely blessed with. Many people in our situation are not as blessed in that way.
But, the farm economy has not been great for quite some time, and with the failing economy came Steven's failing health. We are not alone in an industry that has left many in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. How do I deal with this debt? I cannot run a feedlot. I cannot plant and harvest crops. I CAN tell you I want to protect my home. I want to protect my land. I am just not sure how that will happen.
I am lost.
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